billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
