I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
