I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
