The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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