I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
