I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
