After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
