Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize