My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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