I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
