its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
