before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
