you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
