is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
