Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
