So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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