i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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