I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize