so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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