I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
