Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
