first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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