Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
