The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have post one night stand depression
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