we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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