It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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