the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
