I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
