I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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