you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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