JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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