SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The Olympian is in my bed
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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