maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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