Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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