Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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