The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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