before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
