I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
