so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
