He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
