Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
