Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
