i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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