I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
