Her vagina should come with caution tape.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
