I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
