I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
