Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
