he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize