if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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