...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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