he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
