Cold hands, warm shart.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We are all done wearing pants today
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
