I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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