apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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