someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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