He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
