bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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