I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
