y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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