Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
