I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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