Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
