I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
