I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Umm I'm too high to move.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
