Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
