The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
