I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
